matters of the soul

Been in front of my PC for some time now, typing words then erasing them... not knowing how to put into words the confusion and struggle of my soul... So here it goes... I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I am at a lost not just for words but options and opinions and other things... You name it... I always believed that I am the kind of person that can weather any storm, the captain of my ship that is sailing towards my dreams... And yet now I am lost. I have no words to say no clear cut explanations to analyze my concerns... Yes, you are right, its about matters of the heart. No let me correct that, I think a heart is an organ, so let me change the romantic perception of the heart into soul. It is a matter that involves my soul...

I hate myself for being like this, weak and all teary-eyed like the world is ending or something to that effect. My life is not my own since 15 months ago. I decided to change, literally destroy the hard wall I built around me for so long. It was the best moved I made because I feel I have matured and have learned to get in touch with my own soul and those of others. I found out that I am an ordinary human being that can get hurt by another person. I am no wonder woman, and indeed sticks and stones can hurt but so does words spoken in a heated argument uttered by the person you shared your soul to.

The words commitment, faith and togetherness swarms around my head. Do I do what is practical or do I follow the cries of my soul... I am lost. I have got to get myself together before it is too late.

But I don't know where to begin...

The ring that never was

Intertwined between fingers of lovers

Circular in form symbolizing forever

Black as the night etched with time

Silver in form an image of happiness

Metal in nature unbreakable, untarnished

A remembrance of what is and what is to come

Remains a thought soured by traditions

Left empty handed of the ring the never was…

Colo Colui Cultum Meus Universitas

Rays of color splashed here and there
Of pastel hues and darker shades of red
Moving around in circles, in solitude

Blank space in between circles
Remains a mystery in a carousel like life
Leaving traces of empty spaces

A new shape in vivid shade of blue
Created sensations that has no name
Filling in the void long left ignored

Of varying colors and sounds of passion
Define the existence of these circles
Going now in straight lines, forward to providence

Ad Astra

the sky has turned a dreamy hue
of black, blue and gray
tiny lights dotted the backdrop
a spectacle to the sight

the moon creates an enigmatic scene
its light sings of solitude and serenity
the night, my night, has never failed me
brining with it mysteries yet to be unfolded

through the window watching the night evolve
the wind carrying prayers said in a whisper
longing for a sign that it has been heard
full of hope as hands clasps in plea

as the dawn comes to end this sojourn
songs of the night kept close to the soul
eyes slowly closing to the world of dreams
saying farewell to the night till the next

Caged

Towering heights,
Mirroring sights
Separated by a thin opaque wall
Wanting to jump but afraid to fall
Drowning in thoughts
Depression being fought
Of unspoken qualms and fears
Swallowing disconsolate tears
Struggling to remain sane
Negative feelings becoming bane
But fate has a different intention
Wallowing in its protection
Freedom from this bondage
Fleeing this life in caged
Soon it will be emancipated
This soul will finally be contented

If you want to help

I'm drowning and you're describing the water,
asking me to swim towards the shore
when you know damn well I can not swim.

I'm choking and you're telling me to swallow,
forcing me to gulp down a glass of water
if I do, you know I'll only choke more.

I'm grasping for breath and you're asking me to just inhale,
fanning me to give me some paper smelling air
but its not what I need to help me exhale.

I'm shivering from cold and you're opening the windows,
letting the freezing breeze inside my curtainless room
despite the sun light my soul is still getting frigid.

Maybe you don't understand what I'm going through,
call it hell or call it a life crisis but its mine
and you will never know the struggle inside.

If you want to help then stop pretending you know everything,
listen to the depths of the silence of my muted heart
and maybe just maybe you can help me get through this.

Tea while raining

A cup of tea which got cold being left untouched for so long
the rain falls down, flooding the potted plants below
eyes focused on the open windows of my room
not really seeing anything that can make it blink

I gulped down a little of the bitter lukewarm tea like water
just like the state I am in... bitter, lukewarm turning cold
drowning from the heavy downpour of rain inside and outside
feeling the water, sensing the cold air but still seeing nothing

and so I said to the unseen wind and to the pouring rain
"kampai!" to the nothingness you bring to my life
"kampai!" for leaving behind flood, mud and rust on my windows...
after that I felt tired, stood up and left the tea behind