In a dark fictitious mood II

I had a dream... I saw myself seated at a park bench beside you. You had your hand wrapped in mine... We were gazing at the same direction, painting pictures in the sky with captions under it which read "someday." I smiled to myself thinking that nothing can be as perfect as now, not when the moon is there to light our way and the stars to grant our wishes...

And then suddenly a strong wind came blowing through, shattering the dreams we carefully painted in the night sky... I turned towards you for a hug to relieve me of the pain we just went through... I closed my eyes reached out and realized that I was hugging myself and that you were no longer there beside me...

I looked around trying to catch a glimpse of your face... But the darkness has engulfed everything out of my sight... I didn't want to leave our bench, afraid that if I do you won't be able to find your way back home... And so I sat there, gazing at our moon... no stars in sight to grant my wish for your return...

I picked broken pieces of the dreams we made and tried to put it back as if its a puzzle... There were missing pieces which I know you have with you... And so I patiently wait for your return; to once again complete our night sky of dreams to be fulfilled someday...

The wind did not destroy anything... It just created a space, for us to breathe. a part.. a gap that we will once again be filled by songs of togetherness... I can feel your presence nearby... Don't stray too far but if you must ;whisper a farewell to the wind which will take me away to my new journey...

But I am still hoping that we'll meet back in this bench to fulfill our promises, dear keeper of my soul...

In a dark fictitious mood...

If Jane dies, you would not even notice it.

You'd think that she just went out for a long walk to clear her chaotic overly psychotic mind. And so you won't even bother to look for her, not wanting to disturb whatever it is that is keeping you on a roll night and day. You'd just sit and continue doing the usual things you do, all at the same time.

Maybe you'd wait a little for her to return since you think she always come back when her angst or mood swings have been absorbed by others. You then go back to your priorities and during this time you forgot her absence.

Maybe you thought that's the way it is with Jane right? And so you let things pass like those promises you failed to keep. She is bound to come back, you felt so sure about it. Of course, you wouldn't want to be bothered by these dramas right?

Would it take you days, weeks or even months to realize that your so called Jane is no longer there beside you? Would you even care? Would you shed a tear or just sigh and go back to what you were doing before...

You never really saw how little by little she died inside did you? You only saw how difficult she could be at times and its not helping you at all... How can you be bothered when you have your whole life ahead of you, right? But did you try to look beyond her words? her actions? the silence you dislike so much?

All this time you thought she wll always be at your side, waiting for you to be finished. Then again, when one gets finished, two more things need to be done, and so the waiting begins again like a never ending cycle... You thought it was a permanent thing didn't you? Well it wasn't... Now you would realized that what you two had was something you can not fnd again... You had your chance and you let it slip away.

And so in your heart you know Jane will not leave you, she just went out that's all...

But you don't have to worry about Jane anymore... You won't be bothered by her complexities from now on. And no, you don't have to start looking for her now. It would be pointless.

She is dead.
And so are you.

the pain of deep contemplation...

The question "What have I done wrong?" always comes to mind... Without finding an answer to my own question, tears usually build up but easily get squinted out of the way before anybody sees it, call it pride but being called a crybaby is such a pity... Sleepless nights do not do any good to a down-trodden soul because the following day despite the sunny day; black circles are visible from a far and the throbbing in the brain just won't go away... banging one's head won't do any good because its not physical, its far more deeper than that...

Somethings in life seems to be so unpredictable and just beyond our control. Even if we do our darnest to make things right, everything still seems to go wrong... For a control freak who has given up and let go and let fate takes it course, the feeling of helplessness does not go away at all... Constant worrying and discerning seem to be the road always taken and usually during midnight towards dawn...

Some nights you just want to go to sleep and not think at all... but the weary soul refuses to go into numb mode... it keeps on thinking, trying to find answers, trying to come to terms with the changes of the times or are they really changes to begin with... was it not there in the first place but you just refused to acknowledge these things? It was so easy to look beyond it when it all began but now the dilemma is rushing towards you big time, the pain just won't go away... and all you can do is stand there, look dumbfounded and ask yourself "Where did I go wrong?"

and so you get washed away by the tide, leaving you in the shores of broken dreams and empty promises...

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.

~Stephen King

Tonight I Can Write
by Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.

'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Going through hell...

If you're going through hell, keep going.

-Winston Churchill

On Suffering

-->H.H. the Dalai Lama:
The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy.

ERGO: My mental attitude is wrong and my state in unsound.


Hermann Hesse:
You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.


ERGO: I'd better start loving the things that make me suffer, starting with myself.


Simone Weil:
The capacity to give one's attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle.

ERGO: Value the people who understand your suffering even when you hide it in silence and fake laughter.


Victor Frankl:
We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering.

ERGO: We will never stop suffering, its a cycle... either cope or die...


Wallace Stegner:
Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.

ERGO: If you are still bleeding and the scars just own't heal either you have not suffered enough or you have not learned your lesson.

When in doubt, Pray!

Sometimes, we tend to worry about a lot of things which for some people are something that they do not even worry about. I for one, I am a worry-freak. I worry about everything and anything under the sun or even beyond it.

Last night I went out with two of my close friends. It was great being able to just relax and let go of all my worries. They wanted to talk but I didn't. But San Miguel Light partnered with bbq just did it for me. My tounge went gaga and I started sharing my thoughts about life, career, family, pesky public transportation drivers, and matters of the soul. Funny how after just a few months, these friends of mine declared that I have changed a lot. I have become more matured. Indeed I feel older (due to some wrinkles, I wish for some age miracle) but wiser. After a while, walking around my favorite place, I saw my moon, in all its splendor looking down at me... And suddenly it just hit me, that despite my worries, my troubles and doubts, everything is going to be alright.

Starting on new things and ending old ones have definitely taken its toll on me. The stress of starting a new career and having more responsiblity and accountability (plus working way beyond my 5:01 pm time)... And then not having real friends around, unlike before when you send a text message to one you get to receive more from your other friends... and also the weakness my soul is going through... And yet it seems that after so many weeks of being like this, all I needed was just a bottle of San Mig light, bbq galore and my moon to tell me that things will work out just fine.Some things are clearer after waking up from a long night of angst sharing and walking under the moonlit sky...

I am not longer afraid. Some things may end but new things will begin especially if is time. I remembered a passage in the Bible that said that there is a time for everting. I may not fully grasp the reason behind life's mysteries but I just have to trust in the Divine; that I'm in good hands. Still I no longer hope nor do I start listing again expectations, I just pray for strength and so when in doubt, Pray!

Grasping for air

When all else has been said and done, where do the pain ends and the numbness begins?

Sometimes we desperately hold on to something that we truly believed in but there are times when it seems you're holding on to nothing. The harder you try the more complicated it becomes and the less you care the more painful it gets. And hope... well it used to be part of your system but hope and hoping no longer count.

Even if you want to be yourself and true to your soul's desires there is no escaping the fact that the real you will not make it through... the real you would have turned her back away... the real you would have said "I deserve better"... and the real you would never allow herself to get hurt... But then again...

This is the real world... The real you will just have to cope and mitigate whatever effects it has on your soul. You can not survive insisting that the world adjust to "you" because it does not work that way. Either you let go of your expectations and standards and even wishful thinkings and face everything, praying for strength or you can always do what you usually do, you walk away...

But is that an option? Of course, but the price you pay will be quite high. You will pay it with tears, sleepless nights and stabbing pains when memories come to mind. Knowing you, it will take a long time for you to move on. You know how hard it is for you to let go of things more so forget the memories. It is a curse for you, because you have too much memories, you placed too much meanings on things, assign songs to certain events, name events, mark dates and a lot more... It is your fault, you let yourself be vulnerable, love or relationships was never meant for those weak in spirit... so tell me how will you do it when you do not have the strength to hold on anymore?

Right now, you still have enough strength to hold on. Giving up is not an option for now. The way I see it, there are two ways to go... one, you hold on and try to make it work out, thresh it out if you must but try your best so that when it do ends atleast you will find comfort in knowing that you gave it your best shot... two, well let go now and forever ask yourself "what if" the only comforting thing about this is that you won't have to suffer anymore.

The ball is in your court now... You decide... At the end of the day, it is still your life, whatever decisions you make you have no one to blame but yourself... Look at the brighter side, atleast you are learning to be more human even if it entails so much but you were never the type to give up on a challenge...

matters of the soul

Been in front of my PC for some time now, typing words then erasing them... not knowing how to put into words the confusion and struggle of my soul... So here it goes... I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I am at a lost not just for words but options and opinions and other things... You name it... I always believed that I am the kind of person that can weather any storm, the captain of my ship that is sailing towards my dreams... And yet now I am lost. I have no words to say no clear cut explanations to analyze my concerns... Yes, you are right, its about matters of the heart. No let me correct that, I think a heart is an organ, so let me change the romantic perception of the heart into soul. It is a matter that involves my soul...

I hate myself for being like this, weak and all teary-eyed like the world is ending or something to that effect. My life is not my own since 15 months ago. I decided to change, literally destroy the hard wall I built around me for so long. It was the best moved I made because I feel I have matured and have learned to get in touch with my own soul and those of others. I found out that I am an ordinary human being that can get hurt by another person. I am no wonder woman, and indeed sticks and stones can hurt but so does words spoken in a heated argument uttered by the person you shared your soul to.

The words commitment, faith and togetherness swarms around my head. Do I do what is practical or do I follow the cries of my soul... I am lost. I have got to get myself together before it is too late.

But I don't know where to begin...

The ring that never was

Intertwined between fingers of lovers

Circular in form symbolizing forever

Black as the night etched with time

Silver in form an image of happiness

Metal in nature unbreakable, untarnished

A remembrance of what is and what is to come

Remains a thought soured by traditions

Left empty handed of the ring the never was…

Colo Colui Cultum Meus Universitas

Rays of color splashed here and there
Of pastel hues and darker shades of red
Moving around in circles, in solitude

Blank space in between circles
Remains a mystery in a carousel like life
Leaving traces of empty spaces

A new shape in vivid shade of blue
Created sensations that has no name
Filling in the void long left ignored

Of varying colors and sounds of passion
Define the existence of these circles
Going now in straight lines, forward to providence

Ad Astra

the sky has turned a dreamy hue
of black, blue and gray
tiny lights dotted the backdrop
a spectacle to the sight

the moon creates an enigmatic scene
its light sings of solitude and serenity
the night, my night, has never failed me
brining with it mysteries yet to be unfolded

through the window watching the night evolve
the wind carrying prayers said in a whisper
longing for a sign that it has been heard
full of hope as hands clasps in plea

as the dawn comes to end this sojourn
songs of the night kept close to the soul
eyes slowly closing to the world of dreams
saying farewell to the night till the next

Caged

Towering heights,
Mirroring sights
Separated by a thin opaque wall
Wanting to jump but afraid to fall
Drowning in thoughts
Depression being fought
Of unspoken qualms and fears
Swallowing disconsolate tears
Struggling to remain sane
Negative feelings becoming bane
But fate has a different intention
Wallowing in its protection
Freedom from this bondage
Fleeing this life in caged
Soon it will be emancipated
This soul will finally be contented