Sometimes, we tend to worry about a lot of things which for some people are something that they do not even worry about. I for one, I am a worry-freak. I worry about everything and anything under the sun or even beyond it.
Last night I went out with two of my close friends. It was great being able to just relax and let go of all my worries. They wanted to talk but I didn't. But San Miguel Light partnered with bbq just did it for me. My tounge went gaga and I started sharing my thoughts about life, career, family, pesky public transportation drivers, and matters of the soul. Funny how after just a few months, these friends of mine declared that I have changed a lot. I have become more matured. Indeed I feel older (due to some wrinkles, I wish for some age miracle) but wiser. After a while, walking around my favorite place, I saw my moon, in all its splendor looking down at me... And suddenly it just hit me, that despite my worries, my troubles and doubts, everything is going to be alright.
Starting on new things and ending old ones have definitely taken its toll on me. The stress of starting a new career and having more responsiblity and accountability (plus working way beyond my 5:01 pm time)... And then not having real friends around, unlike before when you send a text message to one you get to receive more from your other friends... and also the weakness my soul is going through... And yet it seems that after so many weeks of being like this, all I needed was just a bottle of San Mig light, bbq galore and my moon to tell me that things will work out just fine.Some things are clearer after waking up from a long night of angst sharing and walking under the moonlit sky...
I am not longer afraid. Some things may end but new things will begin especially if is time. I remembered a passage in the Bible that said that there is a time for everting. I may not fully grasp the reason behind life's mysteries but I just have to trust in the Divine; that I'm in good hands. Still I no longer hope nor do I start listing again expectations, I just pray for strength and so when in doubt, Pray!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Grasping for air
When all else has been said and done, where do the pain ends and the numbness begins?
Sometimes we desperately hold on to something that we truly believed in but there are times when it seems you're holding on to nothing. The harder you try the more complicated it becomes and the less you care the more painful it gets. And hope... well it used to be part of your system but hope and hoping no longer count.
Even if you want to be yourself and true to your soul's desires there is no escaping the fact that the real you will not make it through... the real you would have turned her back away... the real you would have said "I deserve better"... and the real you would never allow herself to get hurt... But then again...
This is the real world... The real you will just have to cope and mitigate whatever effects it has on your soul. You can not survive insisting that the world adjust to "you" because it does not work that way. Either you let go of your expectations and standards and even wishful thinkings and face everything, praying for strength or you can always do what you usually do, you walk away...
But is that an option? Of course, but the price you pay will be quite high. You will pay it with tears, sleepless nights and stabbing pains when memories come to mind. Knowing you, it will take a long time for you to move on. You know how hard it is for you to let go of things more so forget the memories. It is a curse for you, because you have too much memories, you placed too much meanings on things, assign songs to certain events, name events, mark dates and a lot more... It is your fault, you let yourself be vulnerable, love or relationships was never meant for those weak in spirit... so tell me how will you do it when you do not have the strength to hold on anymore?
Right now, you still have enough strength to hold on. Giving up is not an option for now. The way I see it, there are two ways to go... one, you hold on and try to make it work out, thresh it out if you must but try your best so that when it do ends atleast you will find comfort in knowing that you gave it your best shot... two, well let go now and forever ask yourself "what if" the only comforting thing about this is that you won't have to suffer anymore.
The ball is in your court now... You decide... At the end of the day, it is still your life, whatever decisions you make you have no one to blame but yourself... Look at the brighter side, atleast you are learning to be more human even if it entails so much but you were never the type to give up on a challenge...
Sometimes we desperately hold on to something that we truly believed in but there are times when it seems you're holding on to nothing. The harder you try the more complicated it becomes and the less you care the more painful it gets. And hope... well it used to be part of your system but hope and hoping no longer count.
Even if you want to be yourself and true to your soul's desires there is no escaping the fact that the real you will not make it through... the real you would have turned her back away... the real you would have said "I deserve better"... and the real you would never allow herself to get hurt... But then again...
This is the real world... The real you will just have to cope and mitigate whatever effects it has on your soul. You can not survive insisting that the world adjust to "you" because it does not work that way. Either you let go of your expectations and standards and even wishful thinkings and face everything, praying for strength or you can always do what you usually do, you walk away...
But is that an option? Of course, but the price you pay will be quite high. You will pay it with tears, sleepless nights and stabbing pains when memories come to mind. Knowing you, it will take a long time for you to move on. You know how hard it is for you to let go of things more so forget the memories. It is a curse for you, because you have too much memories, you placed too much meanings on things, assign songs to certain events, name events, mark dates and a lot more... It is your fault, you let yourself be vulnerable, love or relationships was never meant for those weak in spirit... so tell me how will you do it when you do not have the strength to hold on anymore?
Right now, you still have enough strength to hold on. Giving up is not an option for now. The way I see it, there are two ways to go... one, you hold on and try to make it work out, thresh it out if you must but try your best so that when it do ends atleast you will find comfort in knowing that you gave it your best shot... two, well let go now and forever ask yourself "what if" the only comforting thing about this is that you won't have to suffer anymore.
The ball is in your court now... You decide... At the end of the day, it is still your life, whatever decisions you make you have no one to blame but yourself... Look at the brighter side, atleast you are learning to be more human even if it entails so much but you were never the type to give up on a challenge...
Monday, August 11, 2008
matters of the soul
Been in front of my PC for some time now, typing words then erasing them... not knowing how to put into words the confusion and struggle of my soul... So here it goes... I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I am at a lost not just for words but options and opinions and other things... You name it... I always believed that I am the kind of person that can weather any storm, the captain of my ship that is sailing towards my dreams... And yet now I am lost. I have no words to say no clear cut explanations to analyze my concerns... Yes, you are right, its about matters of the heart. No let me correct that, I think a heart is an organ, so let me change the romantic perception of the heart into soul. It is a matter that involves my soul...
I hate myself for being like this, weak and all teary-eyed like the world is ending or something to that effect. My life is not my own since 15 months ago. I decided to change, literally destroy the hard wall I built around me for so long. It was the best moved I made because I feel I have matured and have learned to get in touch with my own soul and those of others. I found out that I am an ordinary human being that can get hurt by another person. I am no wonder woman, and indeed sticks and stones can hurt but so does words spoken in a heated argument uttered by the person you shared your soul to.
The words commitment, faith and togetherness swarms around my head. Do I do what is practical or do I follow the cries of my soul... I am lost. I have got to get myself together before it is too late.
But I don't know where to begin...
I hate myself for being like this, weak and all teary-eyed like the world is ending or something to that effect. My life is not my own since 15 months ago. I decided to change, literally destroy the hard wall I built around me for so long. It was the best moved I made because I feel I have matured and have learned to get in touch with my own soul and those of others. I found out that I am an ordinary human being that can get hurt by another person. I am no wonder woman, and indeed sticks and stones can hurt but so does words spoken in a heated argument uttered by the person you shared your soul to.
The words commitment, faith and togetherness swarms around my head. Do I do what is practical or do I follow the cries of my soul... I am lost. I have got to get myself together before it is too late.
But I don't know where to begin...
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