In a dark fictitious mood II

I had a dream... I saw myself seated at a park bench beside you. You had your hand wrapped in mine... We were gazing at the same direction, painting pictures in the sky with captions under it which read "someday." I smiled to myself thinking that nothing can be as perfect as now, not when the moon is there to light our way and the stars to grant our wishes...

And then suddenly a strong wind came blowing through, shattering the dreams we carefully painted in the night sky... I turned towards you for a hug to relieve me of the pain we just went through... I closed my eyes reached out and realized that I was hugging myself and that you were no longer there beside me...

I looked around trying to catch a glimpse of your face... But the darkness has engulfed everything out of my sight... I didn't want to leave our bench, afraid that if I do you won't be able to find your way back home... And so I sat there, gazing at our moon... no stars in sight to grant my wish for your return...

I picked broken pieces of the dreams we made and tried to put it back as if its a puzzle... There were missing pieces which I know you have with you... And so I patiently wait for your return; to once again complete our night sky of dreams to be fulfilled someday...

The wind did not destroy anything... It just created a space, for us to breathe. a part.. a gap that we will once again be filled by songs of togetherness... I can feel your presence nearby... Don't stray too far but if you must ;whisper a farewell to the wind which will take me away to my new journey...

But I am still hoping that we'll meet back in this bench to fulfill our promises, dear keeper of my soul...

In a dark fictitious mood...

If Jane dies, you would not even notice it.

You'd think that she just went out for a long walk to clear her chaotic overly psychotic mind. And so you won't even bother to look for her, not wanting to disturb whatever it is that is keeping you on a roll night and day. You'd just sit and continue doing the usual things you do, all at the same time.

Maybe you'd wait a little for her to return since you think she always come back when her angst or mood swings have been absorbed by others. You then go back to your priorities and during this time you forgot her absence.

Maybe you thought that's the way it is with Jane right? And so you let things pass like those promises you failed to keep. She is bound to come back, you felt so sure about it. Of course, you wouldn't want to be bothered by these dramas right?

Would it take you days, weeks or even months to realize that your so called Jane is no longer there beside you? Would you even care? Would you shed a tear or just sigh and go back to what you were doing before...

You never really saw how little by little she died inside did you? You only saw how difficult she could be at times and its not helping you at all... How can you be bothered when you have your whole life ahead of you, right? But did you try to look beyond her words? her actions? the silence you dislike so much?

All this time you thought she wll always be at your side, waiting for you to be finished. Then again, when one gets finished, two more things need to be done, and so the waiting begins again like a never ending cycle... You thought it was a permanent thing didn't you? Well it wasn't... Now you would realized that what you two had was something you can not fnd again... You had your chance and you let it slip away.

And so in your heart you know Jane will not leave you, she just went out that's all...

But you don't have to worry about Jane anymore... You won't be bothered by her complexities from now on. And no, you don't have to start looking for her now. It would be pointless.

She is dead.
And so are you.

the pain of deep contemplation...

The question "What have I done wrong?" always comes to mind... Without finding an answer to my own question, tears usually build up but easily get squinted out of the way before anybody sees it, call it pride but being called a crybaby is such a pity... Sleepless nights do not do any good to a down-trodden soul because the following day despite the sunny day; black circles are visible from a far and the throbbing in the brain just won't go away... banging one's head won't do any good because its not physical, its far more deeper than that...

Somethings in life seems to be so unpredictable and just beyond our control. Even if we do our darnest to make things right, everything still seems to go wrong... For a control freak who has given up and let go and let fate takes it course, the feeling of helplessness does not go away at all... Constant worrying and discerning seem to be the road always taken and usually during midnight towards dawn...

Some nights you just want to go to sleep and not think at all... but the weary soul refuses to go into numb mode... it keeps on thinking, trying to find answers, trying to come to terms with the changes of the times or are they really changes to begin with... was it not there in the first place but you just refused to acknowledge these things? It was so easy to look beyond it when it all began but now the dilemma is rushing towards you big time, the pain just won't go away... and all you can do is stand there, look dumbfounded and ask yourself "Where did I go wrong?"

and so you get washed away by the tide, leaving you in the shores of broken dreams and empty promises...